Spend A Penny?

Peeping Tom hides in portaloo

A man suspected of hiding inside the waste tank of a portable toilet at a yoga festival in the United States has been arrested on charges of unlawful sexual contact and invasion of privacy.

Luke Irvin Chrisco, 30, was arrested in the Colorado town of Vail, west of Boulder, after police there stopped his vehicle on reports of a man illegally begging in the area.

"An astute officer realised that he resembled the portable toilet suspect," Boulder police said on Friday (local time).

Boulder detectives were contacted, and after interviewing Chrisco, he was arrested for the portable toilet incident.

Police said the strange event occurred June 17 at the Hanuman Yoga Festival when a woman using the facility noticed movement inside the storage tank and asked a male bystander to investigate.

The man told police he saw someone inside the tank covered in a tarp.

A security guard waited outside the toilet for 10 minutes until a shirtless, barefoot man with numerous cuts on his back and legs emerged covered in faeces.

The guard tried unsuccessfully to apprehend him as he ran from the festival grounds.

Boulder police chief Mark Beckner said in a written statement that his department received a dozen tips on the suspect’s identity.

Chrisco faces one count of unlawful sexual contact and one count of criminal invasion of privacy, both misdemeanours.

He is being held on a $US1,000 ($953) bond for the begging charge, and a $US1,500 bond for the alleged toilet offences.

The Silent “Invasion”?

Half of Britons have German blood

They are among Britain’s most bitter rivals, but despite two world wars and any number of football matches, it would seem we are closer to the Germans than many might imagine.

Geneticists claim that as many as half of Britons have German blood, a consequence of Anglo-Saxon migration after the Roman Empire fell.

“There is no use in denying it,” Der Spiegel, the German news magazine, wrote this week. “It is now clear the nation which most dislikes the Germans were once Krauts themselves.”

University College London academics studied a segment of the Y chromosome that appears in almost all Danish and north German men. They found that half of British men also have the segment.

Researchers following up the UCL study claim that Anglo-Saxons swiftly took over Britain and changed the genetic make-up of its inhabitants.

Heinrich Härke, an archaeologist at the University of Reading, said that “up to 200,000 emigrants” came to south east England in the fifth and sixth centuries. In a study of a Saxon cemetery near Oxford, he found that a quarter of its artefacts matched those discovered along the Elbe.

Dear Dogs….Please Take Notice!!

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

Dear Dogs: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years – canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog’s or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don’t.
(2) If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That’s why they call it ‘fur’-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals.. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don’t speak clearly.

Remember, dogs are "better" than kids because they:

(1) eat less,
(2) don’t ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don’t hang out with drug-using people;
(7) don’t smoke or drink,
(8) don’t want to wear your clothes, or buy the latest fashions
(9) don’t criticize with the "eye roll" or muttered remarks,
(10) don’t need a gazillion dollars for college and
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ….

An Expensive Pee?

Eight million gallons of water drained from reservoir after man urinates in it

The operation is costing the state’s taxpayers $36,000 (£22,000) and was ordered after Joshua Seater, 21, was caught on a security camera relieving himself in the pristine lake.

Health experts said the incident would not have caused any harm to people in the city of Portland, who are supplied with drinking water from the reservoir.

They said the average human bladder holds only six to eight ounces, and the urine would have been vastly diluted.

But David Shaff, an administrator at the Portland Water Bureau, defended the decision to empty the lake.

"There are people who will say it’s an over reaction. I don’t think so. I think what you have to deal with here is the ‘yuck’ factor," he said.

"I can imagine how many people would be saying ‘I made orange juice with that water this morning.’ "Do you want to drink pee? Most people are going to be pretty damn squeamish about that."

Mr Seater had been out drinking with friends when he decided to relieve himself in the open air reservoir at 1.30am.

He has not been arrested or charged with a crime, but may ultimately face a fine.

He apologised publicly for his behaviour, adding: "It was a stupid thing to do. I didn’t know it was a water supply, I thought it was a sewage plant.

"I wouldn’t mind paying for it but I don’t have a job right now. I’m willing to do community service to clean up the place because I feel bad and feel pretty stupid." Sergeant Pete Simpson, of Portland Police, said: "It’s really an unfortunate incident that probably could have been avoided if he had just chosen a bush."

You’re In The Army Now!

Really makes you feel safe?

Get A Job or A Life!!!

Brit to attend 26 festivals in a month

A British music journalist is planning to attend 26 festivals in just one month in the hope of setting a brand new world record.

A British music journalist is planning to attend 26 festivals in just one month.

London-based Greg Parmley will travel through 13 different European countries on his motorbike in the hope of setting a brand new world record.

Starting at Glastonbury festival in Somerset, South West England, he will then head on to the Graspop Metal Meeting in the Belgian town of Dessel.

Throughout his extensive travels, Greg will also attend the Slovenian heavy metal festival Metalcamp and the Montreux Jazz Festival.

Attending events in Germany, Luxembourg, Poland, Serbia, Switzerland, Italy, Croatia, Hungary and the Czech Republic, the 36-year-old music lover will eventually end his adventure at the High Voltage Festival in London.

Snail’s Pace?

Marathon snail man Lloyd Scott sacked for not raising enough money

He hoped to raise at least £100,000 for Action for Kids but the charity said it received only about £20,000.

The 49-year-old former footballer, from Essex, has raised more than £5million for charity over the years and suffered nose bleeds and vomiting whilst completing this year’s London marathon dressed as Brian the Snail.

Shocked at the decision he said: ‘I don’t think it has been handled in an appropriate manner. Anybody would deserve to be treated better,

‘The trustees made their decision just 11 days after I’d finished the marathon,
‘I hadn’t recovered fully and was unable to fulfil the potential of the event.’

The charity said losses were incurred as a result of providing publicity and support but Mr Scott claimed he was unable to raise as much as he had hoped because of the poor financial climate.

‘He was given notice according to his contract with us, due to losses incurred in his latest marathon, explained Action For Kids founder Sally Bishop.
‘Whilst Lloyd’s involvement in the marathon significantly raised our profile it did not result in any increased funding, and in fact, cost the charity several thousand pounds,

‘Our priority is always to our donors, and the children and families we support. So it is with regret we had to take this decision.’

He Should Get Out More!

Lego fan builds 8.5m long toy city in own home

He then spent nine months using 250,000 bricks to build an 8.5m (27ft) long, 2.75m (9ft) high creation.

Named the Garrison of Moriah, it is inspired by his love of science fiction and mythology – particularly Star Wars and Lord of the Rings.

But to say thank you to understanding Susanne, he also built life-sized statues of them on their wedding day.

Gerry’s childhood love of Lego was rekindled after he left college and found a box of his old bricks.

‘I started thinking how I now have the money and space to actually build the things I wanted to build without a little sister to rampage through my Lego creations,’ he said.

‘I learned to not jump or even flinch when stepping on a Lego piece in my bare feet.’

Once his wife agreed to allocate a special room at their home in Limerick, Pennsylvania, Gerry used online Lego marketplace BrickLink to buy the raw materials, worth £45,000 new.

His first major structure was a 1.7m (5ft 7in) blue monster holding a castle on its head – and the whole creation is set to grow further.

Pub Crawl?

Man visits 45,000th British pub

A man has had a drink at his 45,000th pub in Britain.

Bruce Masters from Bedfordshire, England started visiting pubs in 1960 and has since drunk more than 25,000 pints of ale, travelling around one million miles across Great Britain.

"There are still a great many pubs I have not been to," the 66-year-old told Metro. "If something is worth doing, it is worth doing properly."

Masters keeps a record of all the pubs he has entered on his computer. The list includes bars at airports and on trains.

His most recent visit was to the ‘Hole in the Wall’ pub in Portsmouth.

Asked whether his wife minds his fascination with pubs, Masters responded: "She does not begrudge me doing this. She just prefers to stay at home."

Home Doctor?

Wart blasted off with shotgun

For five years Sean Murphy was driven to distraction by a painful blemish that no amount of creams, ointments or doctors’ appointments could cure.

So he came up with his own radical and permament procedure to remove the stubborn wart forever – he blasted it with a 12-bore shotgun.

But not only did the blast take off almost his entire finger, it also left him facing 15 years in jail for the illegal possesion of a firearm.

Yesterday, with only a stump to show for the middle of his left hand, and a suspended 16-week prison sentence, he insisted he had no regrets.

“I’m happy with that,” he said outside Doncaster Magistrates’ Court, South Yorkshire.

“I know I could have gone to jail for up to 15 years for a firearms offence. My solicitor did a very good job.

The best thing is that the wart has gone. It was giving me lot of trouble.”

Richard Haigh, defending, said Murphy, 38, had been “a victim of his own stupidity when domestic pressures got to him”.

Mr Murphy decided to open fire with the Beretta after fortifying himself with several pints of beer. He settled down outside his caravan, took aim and opened fire.

Police heard about his unconventional treatment and launched an investigation.

Murphy, who lives in the town, told the bench he had found the Beretta under a hedge earlier in the year.

Having decided to use the Beretta, he administered the “anaesthetic” of Yorkshire bitter.

He stretched out his left hand, pointed the end of the barrel at its intended target, and used his other hand to hold the stock steady. Then he pulled the trigger.

Murphy denies that the beer affected his aim. He insists the fault lay with the weapon’s recoil.

‘I didn’t expect to lose my finger as well when I shot it, but the gun recoiled and that was it,’ he said.

‘The wart was gone and so was most of my finger. There was nothing left of it, so no chance of re-attaching it.’

Murphy had been a security officer at Markham Grange Nurseries, Doncaster, at the time he applied the Beretta treatment in March. He has since lost his job.

In court he pleaded guilty to theft of the shotgun by finding, and a second charge of possessing a firearm without a valid certificate.

In addition to the suspended prison term, his client was ordered to complete 100 hours of unpaid community work and pay costs of £100.

South Yorkshire Police are still trying to discover how the Beretta found its way to the hedge where Murphy found it.

They know it was stolen in a burglary two years ago, but have no further record of its passage through the criminal underworld.